I decided to solo travel for the first time at the start of my divorce. My 31st birthday was approaching and I knew I didn’t want to spend it in misery crying in my bedroom or putting on a brave face. It would be my first birthday without my Dad who had passed away just a few months previous. I had this overwhelming urge to just get away and get some much needed alone time. In truth, I felt lost. I didn’t recognise myself anymore. The two people I had depended on the most were gone and I didn’t have a clue what to do. The fear of being alone felt so overwhelming that I knew I needed to do something to overcome it. I didn’t want to live in fear for the rest of my life. Nor did I want grief and divorce to define me. I knew I had to fight back somehow.

Travel had always been my go to when times got rough. My ex-husband and I would travel at least twice a year to help give us a break from the pressures of work. In truth, I felt I pushed for us to travel more than he did. I always wanted my life to have a sense of adventure and travel gave me that feeling. I’m not surprised when I was faced with two life changing events at once, that I wanted to get away and travel. But this time was different. This time I would be travelling alone.

Solo Travel would be my awakening

When I booked a 4 day solo trip to Amsterdam, I simply saw it as a much needed holiday. It was a temporary escape from all the pain and loss I had been facing. Not many people liked the idea. But I had to prove to myself, no-one else, that I could go it alone. Little did I know, this spontaneous decision to solo travel would set me down a path of healing and growth. Solo travel turned out to be my awakening. It was like I was seeing my raw authentic self for the first time and I liked what I saw. I liked who I was when I solo travelled, a stark contrast to how I felt about myself when back home. My first solo trip didn’t exactly go without a hitch. I was faced with unexpected situations and thoughts of self-doubt creeped in. But what mattered was that I overcame them. Seeing your own capabilities, especially when going through grief, rejection and an identity crisis all at once, is the most rewarding feeling I’ve ever experienced. I had stepped out of my comfort zone and faced fear head on, and in doing so, I discovered a whole new side to myself that I never wanted to lose sight of. And so the self-discovery journey began and I never looked back.

I learnt that I’m more capable than I give myself credit for

Fear and self-doubt have followed me most of my life. I’ve always been very dependent on others and have been happy to stay within the safety of my comfort zone. Travelling alone never crossed my mind, mainly because there was always someone to go with. To be honest, I never would have had the confidence to do it before. But when my life went through a major shake up, I was left with this fearless attitude that made me push myself beyond those fears. What’s the worst that could happen? For me the worst had already happened, so this made any doubts I had about solo travel feel trivial. Stepping onto that plane to Amsterdam, I had this realisation that I was actually doing this. That I was actually going abroad on my own. That I was going to be spending 4 days in a new city totally solo. Me. When I arrived and made my way to the city centre, I felt such an array of emptions, my heart racing with anticipation as to what my first solo trip had in store for me. I was soon faced with a situation where I had to think on my feet (where to buy a tram ticket when it is card only on board and you only have cash!). I got flustered and in a moment of panic, those self critical thoughts came creeping in. But when I asked for help and found a ticket machine nearby that took change, those doubts vanished and I remember saying to myself “ Emily you can do this.” And I did. I solo travelled for the first time and it wasn’t a disaster. I wasn’t as useless as I thought I would be. I didn’t just survive, I thrived.

I learnt that I liked being in my own company

Having spent almost all of twenties in a relationship, I had forgotten what it was like to be in my own company. The idea of being on my own felt scary and impossible. I was very much in a co-dependent relationship with my ex husband and I knew that I needed to break out of the “me and him” mindset that I had become so accustomed to. I’ll admit then when I first arrived in Amsterdam, I felt like I was travelling without my safety blanket. When I arrived and checked into my hotel alone, I felt the sting of heartbreak and rejection. There were a few tears shed, but as soon as I started to explore Amsterdam by myself, I soon realised that being in my own company had a lot perks. I liked having the freedom to do what I wanted, when I wanted without compromise. I made up for all those lost years of being unable to visit art galleries and museums during my trip, spending over three hours in the Rijksmuseum alone! I shopped without having to worry that someone else was getting bored waiting for me to be finished. I walked for hours and hours exploring the city without a care in the world. I felt free. Free to be unequivocally me. I had been so afraid of being alone, but solo travel helped me to see that being in my own company was nothing to be afraid of. It gave me the chance to stand on my own two feet and figure out what I wanted. It helped me to re-connect with a part of me I had forgotten.

I learnt that not everything goes according to plan (and that’s ok!)

Not everything on my first solo trip went perfectly, even though I felt I had planned well enough. I have always been someone who has to be in control, meticulously planning and most comfortable being in the know. So when I was faced with a few predicaments and unexpected situations, this was very much a test. I had to think on my feet quite a few times. I made a few mistakes, which I had to accept and see them as a lesson well learnt for next time. Like when my luggage was too large for the carry on (only by a few centimetres I hasten to add), meaning that I had to pay extra to put it in hold on; next time triple check all the flight terms and conditions and measure my suitcase. Or when I had to keep returning to my hotel halfway through the day to charge my phone; next time bring a power pack. Not realising how most places in Amsterdam accepted card only and I had only brought cash; next time use a Travel Money card. The fact I didn’t have the confidence to ask people to take a photo of me, so I ended up with no photos of myself in Amsterdam; invest in a tripod to take photos of yourself. I acknowledge that there were things I could have done differently, but that’s ok. Just because I made a few mistakes, that doesn’t mean my first solo trip was a disaster. Far from it. These lessons meant that the next time I solo travelled I was better prepared and more confident in myself.

I learnt that grief follows you no matter where you travel

Grief was not absent from my first solo trip. Far from it. As I wandered the streets of Amsterdam alone, I often would think of my Dad. He had always said how much I would love the city and I couldn’t help but feel sad that I would never get to speak to him about my trip. There were a few tears shed in public and there were times when I needed to return to the solitude of my hotel room to have a good cry. But there were times where I also thought how excited Dad would be for my solo trip, and this helped me to connect with those feelings of grief that I had been so afraid of. When I returned home and reflected on my time away, I was amazed at how much closer I felt to Dad. He had always loved to travel and would often share stories of his adventures when he worked on the QE2. I finally understood why he spoke so passionately about his own adventures. Now I have my own stories to share and I see myself as following in his footsteps by making my own memories through travel. I like to think that he is looking down on me and proud that I chose to take that leap of faith. It will always be painful not to be able to share those stories with him, but I feel like he is with me in spirit every step of the way.

I learnt that help can come from the most unexpected places

If there was one thing I was worried about most on my first solo trip, it was getting lost alone in a foreign country. I tried so hard to avoid this by making sure I had access to Google maps to get around. But one afternoon my phone ran out of battery right when I was in the middle of Amsterdam’s red light district. I found myself going around in circles, getting lost in the alley upon alley of window boxes and not knowing where to turn. The more disorientated I became, the more I started to panic. Just as I was about to have a meltdown, I heard a knock from behind me. I turned around to a woman who had popped her head out from behind her window and she asked “Are you lost sweetie?” Before I knew it, we had started chatting and I would tell her why I was doing solo travelling in Amsterdam. We also compared our nail varnish colour and talked about how hot it had been the past dew days. Talk about surreal. When a few people started to stop and stare at us, she gave me directions and quickly shut herself back inside her window. Needless to say, I managed to find my way out and came away with a very unique travel story!

Thank you for reading my blog. I hope it gives you a little insight as to why solo travel changed the course of my life and set me down a path of self-discovery, growth and healing. Solo travel gave me hope during the hardest of times and helped me to realise my own potential. I don’t know where I would be today if I hadn’t taken that leap of faith and placed trust in myself to travel alone. I hope my journey inspires you to take that leap of faith and give solo travel a try. Feel free to comment below.