Divorce does not make you a failure: Time to live your own happily ever after
When I found myself going through a divorce at 30, I believed I was a failure. I mean divorce isn’t exactly the stuff of fairytales. I had gone from living the dream of being married, owning a house and having a career, to finding myself getting divorced, living back with my mum and quitting my job. I won’t lie, I felt pretty low and all I could think about was how much I had failed. It wasn’t until I discovered the brilliant ‘How to Fail’ podcast by Elizabeth Day, did I start to delve into why I viewed my divorce as a personal failing.
I have come to realise that there is an inherent social pressure that played a part in my ‘failure’ mindset. Like it or not, there is still this expectation that getting married and having children is the ultimate measure of success for a woman. This expectation that has existed for generations, and if you don’t live up to it, then you are seen as underachieving or doing something wrong. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not against anyone getting married and having children if that is what makes you truly happy. But for those of who choose to be single, who have gone through divorce or choose not to have children, we are judged for straying away from the social norm. We are questioned, as if we are doing something wrong, and I think it’s time to change all that.
Credit: Women’s Health UK
The pressures of social expectation
Before divorce, my life was very much steered by the social norm. My life had been mapped out in a series of successive milestones. I graduated university at 21, bought a house at 25 and got married at 28. Building a career, getting married and starting a family = happiness right? Growing up, this seemingly perfect way of life is what I thought I had always wanted. I have been influenced by everyone and everything around me to follow this socially acceptable path for as long as I can remember. The pressure to conform was very real for me. In my early twenties, before I met my ex husband, I remember getting fed up of constantly being asked if I was dating anyone. When I said no, the responses were mostly along the line of:
“Why not?”
“Never mind, you’re still young.”
“I don’t know how you survive being single!”
“You’ve just got to put yourself out there more!”
“Have you tried dating apps?”
It was rare for me to get a response that celebrated the fact I was single or one that encouraged my independence. I was always made to feel like there was something wrong with me because I wasn’t actively dating or in a relationship. When I met my ex-husband, the pressure to get married started to increase the longer our relationship went on. As more of my friends started to get engaged, the more people would start to say “Surely it’s your turn next?” And then when we got married, it wouldn’t be long until people started to ask “So when are you having kids?” When people found out I was getting divorced, most reassured me that I’d meet someone else. I would be regaled with anecdotes of friends of friends who had got remarried. Some even suggested I should start dating again so to “get back on the horse”.
What happens when your life does not turn out as expected
I’ve faced so much social expectation throughout my life that it's hardly surprising I felt like I had failed when I got divorced. Divorced at 30. “How embarrassing” I used to say to myself. The feelings of shame were very real. But when I started to ask myself why I felt that way, the more I realised that this seemingly perfect path I had been following was nothing more than a charade. It didn’t actually make me happy like I thought it would. I thought I had everything I always wanted, but that wasn’t true. Deep down I had always felt like there was something missing from my life. It lacked adventure, growth and fulfillment. It’s taken divorce for me to realise that I had for a long time been abandoning myself.
“I don’t want other people to decide who I am. I want to decide that for myself”
Time to live up to my own expectations
Having spent nearly all of my twenties in a relationship, I’m in no rush to go straight into another one. Divorce is a painful experience and there is a lot of healing to be done. I’m not saying I never want to meet someone ever again, but it’s not going be the be all and end all of my life like it used to. I’ve learnt the hard way that only I get to dictate my own happiness. Happiness and healing always has to come from within. I know deep down that I need to give myself time and the mental space to heal. I need to learn to love myself unconditionally, rather than relying on someone else to do that for me. Ultimately the relationship we have with ourselves is what truly matters. At first the idea of being divorced felt scary because it was so unknown. But the more I’ve started to embrace my new found independence, the more I’ve started to put those fears to bed. When I solo travelled for the first time at the start of my divorce, I unknowingly started to sow the seeds of self worth. Whilst many people didn’t like the idea of me travelling alone, especially as a woman, I decided to trust my gut and defy social norms for once. The moment I decided to stop letting other people influence my decision’s about my own life, the moment I finally started being true to myself.
As much as divorce sucks, I am starting to see it as my second chance to live my life on my own terms. We are all the author’s of our own life and we should never allow someone else to write it for us. For this new chapter, I firmly intend to only let myself do the writing. At the end of the day, we don’t owe anybody an explanation when it comes to living our truth. We don’t need to prove ourselves to anyone. We don’t have to live our life according to a timeline of milestones to achieve happiness. We don’t need to succumb to social pressures and sacrifice our own happiness in the process. We all deserve the chance to live our best life. After all, we only get one shot at it.
Thank you for reading my blog. I hope it has brought some words of comfort if you are facing divorce or are at a crossroads with your life.
It’s easy to feel like a failure after divorce thanks to societal expectations. This is why I’m ditching life’s conventional road map in favor of living my truth and why you should do the same.