Coping with grief: How to cope with anniversaries and significant dates after losing a loved one

For those who are experiencing grief, significant dates and anniversaries in the calendar year can fill us with dread. Birthdays, Father’s / Mother’s Day, Christmas etc will often trigger and intensify our grief. These dates are a stark reminder that our loved ones are no longer with us. When our grief resurfaces, and all those thoughts and emotions come flooding in, it can make us catch our breath. It can make us feel like we’re back at Day 1 without them all over again. For me, Father’s Day is a particularly challenging date. I often find the build up to Father’s Day more difficult than the day itself. Mainly because it’s marketed everywhere weeks before and you can’t avoid it. I always try and prepare myself for the barrage of marketing emails and online adverts trying to sell me Father’s Day cards / gifts that I will never purchase. Holiday seasons where my family have traditionally all come together are also particularly hard. But there are ways you can navigate your grief during these hard times.

Coping with grief | Coping with grief on anniversaries

I wanted to share 5 helpful coping strategies I have used to help me through those significant dates. This blog is my way of helping to bring others comfort in those hard times as I know how lonely grief can make you feel. I hope at least one of these points will help you to navigate your way through the all consuming emotion that is grief. Remember that all grief is unique, so not all of these will necessary feel helpful or apply to you. But if just one helps bring you some comfort, then that’s what counts.

Give yourself permission to feel all the feelings of grief

Accepting that grief will be heightened on significant dates and anniversaries sounds obvious, but it can be challenging when those feelings are so overwhelming. Choosing to accept that those feelings will be there, rather than resisting them, is so important when learning to cope with grief. It can be tempting to want distract and busy ourselves when we know those feelings will be present. But facing those feelings ultimately helps us in the long run. It is important to give yourself space to allow yourself to face those feelings and respond to them in a way that is helpful and healthy. Let those tears fall if they need to. Scream into a pillow if you need to. Take yourself off to a quiet place to be alone if that’s what feels right. Take a deep breath and know that these triggered feelings of grief won’t last forever.

Be kind to yourself in grief

Showing ourselves compassion on dates and anniversaries when grief is heightened is vital for our emotional and mental wellbeing. On the lead up to significant dates, it is important to check in and make sure we are not placing added pressure on ourselves. We can be our own harshest critics and it is easy to succumb to the pressure of having to do something special to mark a significant date. We must remember we have nothing to prove to anyone when it comes to our own grief. Grief is unique and there is no right way or wrong way to do it. There is only your way. It is important to never compare our grief to others or feel guilty for not grieving as others feel we should. Grief is hard enough without placing extra pressure on ourselves. Remember you are only human. You will feel overwhelmed by grief and that’s ok. You don’t need to set any expectations on yourself. There is no should or shouldn’t when it comes to how you feel, no matter how much times has passed since our loved ones have gone. Go gently and be kind to yourself.

Don’t be afraid to talk about your loved one

Talking about those we have lost with friends and loved ones can be a comforting way to remember those we have lost. Reminiscing about how our loved ones felt about a significant day can be a great way to start a dialogue if you are struggling to find the words. My Dad always hated being fussed over, so our family often laugh at the times he would get in a grump on his birthday or at Christmas. Talking about our loved ones helps to keep those memories alive. Even though they are not physically with us, speaking our memories out loud can help us feel connected to them. Talking to others, especially if we are struggling to cope, is vital for our mental health. Talking about our grief helps to prevent isolation, fear, and even mental illness caused by suppressed emotions. Seeking support through grief counselling or support groups can be a great way to express those feelings that you fear may overwhelm a loved one. I personally found online support groups a safe place to express my feelings without judgement. In fact, I would often connect with someone who completely understood where I was coming from. Talk about Loss offers face to face and online meet ups for 18 - 35 year olds in the UK.

Writing your grief | Coping with grief through writing

Put your thoughts into words

Writing down how we are feeling can be a helpful way of expressing our grief. Getting thoughts out of our head and down on paper can help to break us out of challenging thought cycles. Writing a letter or note directly to our loved ones can help us say what we are struggling to say out loud. I know I had a lot of things I wished I said or indeed hadn’t said to my Dad. I have found writing to him incredibly comforting, especially on the lead up to anniversaries. Writing a message to a loved one on a significant date can be a chance to express yourself, rather than bottling up your feelings. Writing also gives us a chance to become creative. Writing a poem about a loved one can be a therapeutic way of expressing our grief, whilst also creating a beautiful tribute you can treasure. Remember your writing doesn’t have to be perfect. You can write as much or as little as you like as little or often as you like. You can keep what you write to yourself or you can share it with others if it brings you and other loved ones comfort.

HONOUR A LOVED ONES MEMORY by DOING SOMETHING THEY enjoyed

Grief on anniversaries | Coping with the loss of a parent

Doing something meaningful that your loved one would have enjoyed is a great way to remember them on significant date or anniversary. My Dad always loved inviting people over to dinner and having everyone around the table. On our first birthday without him, we invited all the family over for a buffet and it gave me that chance to make my first ever Pavlova. Bringing people together over good food is what Dad loved and we could think of no better way to honour his memory. Find your own way of honouring your loved ones memory. If your loved one liked gardening, plant something in their memory. If your loved one enjoyed spending time at their local pub, raise a glass to them there. Listen to a loved ones favourite music or simply light a candle in their memory. Honouring a loved one does not require a big gesture or having to stand on ceremony. It does not matter how small or insignificant your gesture may appear to others. What matters is what feels right for you.

Thank you for reading my blog post which I publish on what would have been my Dad’s 65th birthday. Grief will always be hard on those dates that have significance to us. The important thing to remember is to do what is right for you. I know too well how pressured I felt to mark anniversaries or try and fight those feelings because I didn’t want to show my vulnerability. Sometimes you just have to accept grief as it comes and ride of those stormy days.

If this blog has been helpful please let me know by posting a comment. If there are other ways you have found comfort in coping with grief around anniversaries that you’d like to share, feel free to leave a comment.