Coping with grief: How I've navigated grief in the first year without my Dad

Grief is a difficult subject to talk about. I get it. It doesn’t exactly make for lively conversation over the dinner table. But like it or not, grief is an emotion that we will all have to experience at some point in our lives. It’s the inevitable reality of being human. Having experienced grief first hand over the past year, I have certainly felt the disconnect that exists in society when it comes to grief. Grief is very much a taboo subject and it shouldn’t be. Grief shouldn’t be kept in a box and only dealt with when we lose someone. It is something we should accept and talk about openly in order to better support one another when we face loss.

In this post I will share my honest experiences with grief, along with some of the tools that have helped me to navigate my way through this past year. I hope it can prove helpful to those experiencing grief and seeking comfort in this difficult time.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve

Grief is a powerful emotion and it will feel very overwhelming in the early stages. The important thing to remember is that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. The way you grieve will be different to how others grieve and that’s ok. I went through a divorce just a few months after my Dad suddenly passed away, so I had to navigate two very different types of grief at once. A year on, I’m in a very different place in my grief for my Dad compared to my rest of my family and I’ve accepted that. Try not to fall into the comparison trap with grief. Your grief is also unique to you. There is no should or shouldn’t when it comes to how to grieve and how you feel. Above all else, don’t let anyone try and tell you how to grieve.

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7 stages of grief

My therapist told me about the seven stages of grief, which helped me to rationalise and manage the plethora of emotions I was experiencing. The important thing to remember about these seven stages is that they are not linear. You can flit back and forth between them and experience stages simultaneously.

1. Shock

2. Denial

3. Anger

4. Bargaining

5. Depression

6. Reconstruction / rebuilding

7.  Acceptance

There is no timescale when it comes to reaching or progressing through these stages. It certainly took me a while to get out of the shock stage. Don’t take these stages as gospel and know that you may not experience them all. I personally experienced a lot of guilt which isn’t reflected in the 7 stages, but I know it is an emotion felt by many in grief. For more information and support about feelings in grief, visit Cruse Bereavement Care.

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You cannot heal what you don’t let yourself feel

As hard it is, you must allow yourself to grieve fully. You cannot block out grief or run away from it, as it will inevitably catch up with you. My divorce became an unconscious distraction to my grief, to the point that I didn’t really come to terms with my Dad’s death until much later on. I bottled up all my feelings and never faced them, pushing my mental health to reach crisis. Grief is always there, no matter how much you try and distract yourself. Don’t be afraid of those feelings, they are painful because the love we had for those who have gone was real. Give yourself permission to sit with those feelings and acknowledge them instead of suppressing them. It will be hard and will become easier in time the more you do it. There’s also no shame in crying if you need to. If you feel so overwhelmed to the point that you cannot cope, please seek help from a counsellor or a grief support service. Cruse Bereavement Care offers a free helpline service in the UK and The Good Grief Trust offers a one stop shop for resources and support in all things grief.

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Learn from others who have experienced grief

This TEDx Talk from Dr Lucy Hone shares three straightforward techniques that she used to help her cope with the sudden death of her 12 year old daughter.

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Go easy on yourself

Grief is hard, so don’t make it harder by being hard on yourself. It’s important to show ourselves compassion as we navigate grief. I often have to remind myself to be kind. Don’t be hard on yourself when you find yourself triggered or in a prolonged period of low mood. Instead, practice self-care on those days and take some time out to do something to help you get through it. I have found solace in nature and often go for walks to slow down and re-charge. It’s also important to set yourself boundaries and know that it’s ok to say no. I had a lot of people inviting me to do things socially when I first lost Dad. Understandably people were trying to be nice, but I knew I wasn’t ready to face social settings where potentially lots of questions could be asked. If you are not up to seeing people or you are having a hard day, then you can absolutely say no and cancel plans. Don’t ever feel you have to put yourself in an uncomfortable situation just to avoid disappointing others. Those who love you will understand.

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Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. Whilst there is nothing that can prepare you for grief, I hope these tips coming from someone who is in grief prove of comfort. Please let me know if you have any tips you would like to share with anyone facing grief in the comments.